how using my calendar differently is making our afternoons less frantic
It’s 3:45 pm. The boys are on the trampoline. No one is screaming or bleeding for the moment so I seize the quiet to review the plan for the evening. The first soccer game is at 5:30. I’ll stay with the other boys to watch. No… wait. I need to bring his sister, drop him at 5:20, drop her at another field, then come back to watch… But wait! She needs to go to the other side of town?! How did I not know this sooner?!
I’ve heard that the most effective leaders visualize their day and interactions in more detail than most. I’ve learned the hard way, when I don’t visualize in detail, I am left scrambling.
Photo credit Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
With 3 kids on 3 different soccer fields, I needed to be proactive… to put things in place in the morning, or the night before so that I didn’t get caught trying to adjust plans or menus during the witching hour er, afternoon.
When you know something needs to change
I hate scrambling. And my kids hate being late. You can almost feel our collective blood pressure rise as the time to be at practice approached. Who took my socks?!
Something needed to change. I knew it would involve being proactive—I needed to put things in place in the morning, or the night before so that I didn’t get caught trying to adjust plans or menus during the witching hour er, afternoon.
I needed to find a way to have fewer frantic afternoons. The first and biggest step was changing the way I relate to my calendar.
My calendar used to tell me what events were happening and when a project was due.
That worked when I was responsible for only my own events, but these days, our family’s logistics are complicated. Sports and performances and play dates and rehearsals and school and church for five children? It’s a lot.
My calendar used to tell me when things were DUE
Remember your first day planner? I'm pretty sure I got mine in high school. My daughter had one in first grade!
In it, I recorded my class schedule, basketball and volleyball practices, youth events and yearbook deadlines. Also, test dates and assignment due dates. I checked my agenda every morning when I sat in my first class. I showed up to my classes and practices and handed in my assignments.
I honestly believed I was good at time management because I was good at being busy all the time. (Awe, wasn’t I just adorable? Also, naive.)
“I needed to find a way to have fewer frantic afternoons. The first and biggest step was changing the way I relate to my calendar.”
My life has changed a bit since then and so, the way I used to use my day planner is no longer effective.
I don’t sit down every morning to look at my calendar. I could, but there’s no natural cue like sitting at a desk at 8:45 every morning.
No one feeds me. In high school, I was responsible for my commitments and Mom took care of the food. I had no idea how much bandwidth can go to food!
There is no cramming. If an assignment (or piece of writing or baking for a school event) is due tomorrow, I cannot cram it in the night before. I can't squeeze an extra two or three hours out of my day to deal with it at the last minute. I can only get it done if I'm thinking about it way ahead of time.
I can't just skip a meal to finish a project. The hangry little people will find me and will not relent until they've been fed.
Feeding my people. Have I mentioned, food?!!! For the longest time, I put off thinking about meals until the last minute—I didn’t want to deal with it!—but that never ended well. After too many late nights, facing dirty dishes after putting kids to bed, I've learned there's a good return on investment when I spend time and even some money* to learn better systems and plan ahead.
Many more people and, therefore, more activities. In high school, my planner was exclusively devoted to ME. Now, I'm facilitating and transporting 5 more people to their things. That makes the logistics much more complicated.
*I've been part of Allison Hollinger's PTN (Plan to Nourish) program for a few months now and what I'm learning is really reducing our food waste and making suppertime more manageable more often. (i.e. fewer totally panicked days! :)) She does a week long free meal planning challenge a few times a year. Get on the wait list for the next one over at her site. It’s time well spent.
These days, my calendar tells me what I need to DO
The piano lessons, basketball practices and church events still go in the calendar, of course.
But I think about it differently now. It's not that I need to arrive at a practice at 6 pm. It's
How do I get food into people before arriving at said practice?
Where are the other children at that time? Who else needs to be picked up or relocated before or after? Who else will be in the vehicle with me?
Will they be fed or do I need food in the car for them? Can they just eat a snack and have dinner later?
When does the food need to be prepped so that it is available over (or after) that whirlwind supper hour? Certain days are especially busy between 4-8pm.
So, besides the event (e.g. musical practice, class at the gym, coffee date, etc.) and the due dates (register for the musical festival by this date and summer camp by this one), I put these in my calendar:
A reminder to move food from the freezer to the fridge today (so it can thaw some before going in the slow cooker tomorrow).
Pick up times for each child (a 20-30 minute block, to include travel time) with notes about food or gear that need to be in tow. (Usually the bigger kids make sure their gear—music books or soccer cleats or basketball shoes—is in the vehicle beforehand).
A time slot dedicated to admin. Registering for the music festival, summer camps, paying for lessons, setting up doctor’s appointments—these things take more than 5-10 minutes. I’ve learned to schedule a block or 45 minutes or an hour so I can sit and get a whole lot of admin done at once. If you’re in transition—in a new city, new country, or have a child beginning college—schedule extra time for admin!! These things take time! (Also, related emails and phone calls.) I prefer this to be later in the week as my creative brain shuts down midweek anyway! (It’s not just me. In his book Mind Management, not Time Management, David Kadavy says most of us have more creative energy early in the day and early in week.)
A note: Our girls are in high school and are involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. We share our calendar on the TimeTree app, which is helpful. But, for the purpose of planning my evening, I don’t need to worry so much about which after school activity they are doing. To visualize my evening effectively (especially when I am solo parenting as the sole driver), I need to know what time to pick them up from school, where they go next and what gear or food needs to be with me.
Get it out of your head!
We carry A LOT of mental load as moms. We're thinking about the well being of our children. Are they making good decisions? Are those friends a good influence? Also, do they have clean socks?
We’re thinking about relationships, responsibilities, rest (how to squeeze it in?) and logistics. SO many logistics.
Our brains can only carry so much active—easily accessible—information. Sure, we can continue learning new things but our short term, active memory can only take so much.
“The short-term memory part of your mind—the part that tends to hold all the incomplete, undecided, and unorganized “stuff” functions much like RAM on a personal computer. Your conscious mind, like the computer screen, is a focusing tool, not a storage place.
You can think about only two or three things at once. But the incomplete items are still being stored in the short-term memory space.
And as with RAM, there’s a limited capacity; there’s only so much “stuff” you can store and still have your brain function at a high level. Most people walk around with their RAM bursting at the seams. They’re constantly distracted, their focus disturbed by their own internal mental overload... This produces an all-pervasive stress factor whose source can’t be pinpointed.”
Try this today
When I carry too much in my head, without articulating it on paper, I start to feel stressed. My shoulders get tense. I feel overwhelmed and can’t see where to start. There are TOO many things vying for my attention and I can’t get clear on which ones actually deserve my attention until I spew it all out into a massive list. Not a to-do list. Just a these-are-all-the-things-I’m-thinking-about list.
When I see ALL the things I feel I “should” be doing, I can be a little more objective. I can cross off a few. This one is not my responsibility. This one doesn’t need my attention until next month (Into the calendar, it goes). This one can be delegated to someone else. (Send email or put the reminder in the calendar so that I make the call or send the email later.)
These ones really need to be addressed today. These are my MITs Most Important Tasks for today.
The free workbook below will help you figure out your most important tasks for today by walking you through three similar exercises. You will get immediate access when you sign up below.
If you’d rather listen,
The No Guilt Mom podcast walks through making the big list of all-the-things and then ditching or delegating some of them.
If your overwhelm is less about having too much to do as it is about an unmade decision, this episode from The Next Right Thing podcast may help.
Don’t get stuck scrambling
Trust me, realizing you’re supposed to somehow drive a child 45 minutes away with 10 minutes to spare is not how you want to spend you afternoons. There is no need for frantic. Or late. Even on the busy days.
Be proactive about getting the relevant information where you will see it.
Remember the relevant info is not only that a soccer game is happening (the event), but also,
what time do we need to be there (and therefore,
what time do we need to leave the house),
who else needs to come and
what gear is needed (this is the kids’ responsibility, but still, check!)
when and what will all the people eat…
So, if you find yourself saying,
"Remind me to call S."
"I need to remember to put that meat in the oven in the morning."
"I can't forget to pick up that birthday present."
Slip those tasks into your calendar. That small action ties a task to a time and place. It ensures you will get a reminder, so you don’t have to think about it again. Most of all, it frees up a little brain space so you can feel a little lighter.
And you’ll be way more likely to be on time, bring the right gear and leave the panic behind!