better than "how's it going?"
6 questions to ask during transition
When Kelly Corrigan dropped her daughter off at university, she, along with all the parents of freshmen, received a letter from the University admin. After the informational bits came a note from the guidance office.
It in, parents were told in no uncertain terms,
"It is not okay for you to be texting your child all the time."
“You do not need to respond within 60 seconds when they text you."
“Your job right now is to give them space. They are individuating, and they need space to do that.”
This makes sense. It is also hard. “Give space, as in not check in on my child?!” We parents want information. Assurances that they’re okay. This is asking for some serious restraint!
It takes awhile to get your bearings in a new place or experience.
”I’m tired of talking about kindergarten!” Our little friend just started kindergarten and, just a week in, is already tired of being asked how she likes it.
Unlike first year college students, she is not individuating. She is just tired of talking about it! She’s a bit overwhelmed by all this newness and the last thing she needs at the end of the day is to dissect it all.
We all know how she feels, don’t we? We’ve been there—in the early days of something big and new, when we’re still finding our bearings and EVERYONE wants to know what we think of it. Do we like it? How is it going?
The question comes so often we stop thinking and just mutter, “Fine.” “Good.'“ “Great.” Because the real answer is that it’s too early to know and too complicated to try to explain and, also, we’re sick of answering these questions.
So, what to do instead? When it’s not me, but someone I love adapting to a big, new thing, how can I be supportive and interested, yet still give space for them to adjust and process?
Let’s start by ditching the usual questions and asking some better ones.
What’s wrong with asking how it’s going?
Imagine you're back in your first year of university.
Deciding your roommate is "great!" on Day 1 might blind you to the ways she can be manipulative. Labelling her as "terrible!" will make your interactions awkward and stand-offish and will result in her being less and less likeable. It’s a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we answer the question, “How’s it going?” we are forced to make a judgment about this new experience. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it more difficult or disorienting than expected?
Whether it’s kindergarten or college or a new C-suite position, prematurely labelling a new experience, new school, or new roommate as good or bad doesn’t help anyone.
It might even make the adjustment harder.
better questions for the in-between times
Transitions are tricky. We’re excited for something new, but aren’t quite sure where we fit or even how we will handle it. The learning curve is steep and adjusting demands much of our focus and energy.
We are leaving something behind—high school, preschool, our parents’ home, our old job or role or daily routine—but we haven’t quite settled into something new yet. We’re still in the in-between time.
“Transition...is the process of letting go of the way things used to be and then taking hold of the way they subsequently become. In between the letting go and the taking hold again, there is a chaotic but potentially creative ‘neutral zone’ when things aren’t the old way, but aren’t really a new way yet either. This three-phase process—ending, neutral zone, beginning again—is transition.”
Of course, usually we ask "How's it going?" because we care. Because we're interested. And so, I wonder what might we ask instead during those in-between times?
What would it look like to give each other space to process?
What if had time to adjust to our new situation—new baby, new job, new separation, new country—before articulating how it’s going?
What questions might we ask instead during those in-between times when neither the dust nor we have settled?
The internet has lots of suggestions for how to help your child open up after school. (Like this and this .) Here are a few examples.
What went well today?
What was tricky today?
What is something you'd like me to know?
Tell me something that made you laugh today.
What is something you learned today that you didn’t know before?
Did anything make you feel proud?
Notice these are open ended questions. They invite your child or friend to share about their day without making a judgment whether the entire day was good or bad. That makes them great for anyone adjusting to a new experience.
“When we are in a big transition and someone asks, ‘How’s it going?’ the real answer is, ‘I don’t know yet.’ It’ll take eight weeks to figure it out. ”
These questions work because they remove some pressure. They make it safe to share one little bit about your day or week without pronouncing judgment on the entirety of your new experience, be it a new job, new neighbourhood, new country.
These smaller questions allow some space for processing.
Similarly, with a faith bent, we might reflect on these from the daily examen.
Question One – Where did I see God today? Review the day with gratitude.
Question Two – What am I thankful for today? Pay attention to your emotions. ...
Question Three – What did I feel today? ...
Question Four – What should I pray for? ...
Question Five – How do I feel about tomorrow?
I’m trying this, want to join me?
“These questions work because they remove some pressure and make room for processing.”
I love these questions and I will definitely forget to ask them come the chaos that is dinnertime at our house. (Five kids, multiple sport and musical rehearsal schedules…). These questions are going on some little post-it’s or index cards where I can reference them after school, in the van at pick up time, or at dinnertime.
What went well today?
What was tricky today?
What is something you'd like me to know?
Tell me something that made you laugh today.
What is something you learned today that you didn’t know before?
Did anything make you feel proud?
There’s nothing magic about these questions. It’s just that they are small and specific—manageable—compared to a big sweeping, “How’s life?” type inquiry. I think that’s a good place to start.