Still hoping your to-do list will make you a super Mom?
“Help!” cried Toad. “My list is blowing away. What will I do without my list?”
“Hurry!” said Frog. “We will run and catch it.”
“No!” shouted Toad. “I cannot do that.”… “running after my list is not one of the things that I wrote on my list of things to do!”
- Frog and Toad Together by Arthur Lobel
Oh! The lists I’ve lost!
My to-do lists never blow away (okay, almost never). They get left behind—on the kitchen island, on the nightstand, just inside the front door, deep in the tissues and lip balms in a forgotten purse pocket.
I go out to run the errand, as per the instructions on my to-do list. Check. But the list is nowhere to be seen. And I can’t quite recall what the next 4—or was it 6?—items were.
Whether you’re apt to misplace your to-do list, like me, or follow it blindly, like Toad, I’m here to say there is a better way!
I have lost and misplaced piles of to-do lists over the years. Image by Gert Altmann
Oh! The webinars I’ve watched!
We make to-do lists so that we can get things done, right? So we don’t forget to do the things that need to be done.
There is also a real sense of satisfaction in checking off a completed task, isn’t there? I had a prof who always told us, “The first thing to write on your to-do list is always Make list. Then you get to check it off right away.” It’s a quick win.
Getting things done, especially getting the important things done, appeals to me.
I've watched webinars, listened to podcasts and even done a mini time management course. I’ve tried productivity hacks.
I’ve attempted to follow a strict hourly schedule.
I’ve gotten up extra early so I could get more done (specifically, so I could get something done on my own project. ONE thing not related to feeding and caring for the rest of the family.) Inevitably, a toddler would hear me and join me.
I’ve set SMART goals and had accountability buddies (most of whom struggled with putting their own project ahead of family demands just as much as I did.)
I asked Google what is the best way to make a to-do list.
None of these worked well enough to stick, so let’s move on to Google’s recommendations.
I thought if I could just write the perfect to-do list, I would actually do the important things. That’s not how it works. Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
The best way(s) to make a to-do list , according to Google
Google should be able to tell us the best practices, right?
One expert article advised, “Don’t put goals on your task list at all.” Keep goals and tasks separate. (Getting a child to pick up their socks. Now, is that a goal or task, I wonder? )
Another says
“Include everything, no matter how big or small.” (Hmmm… but not goals?)
“Organize by priority, due date, and category.” (This sounds like more than one step to me.)
“Stay away from vague descriptions.”
Or this one gives a step-by-step on How to Make to-do list (See?! It is more than one step!)
Select a Method That Works for You
List and Sort
Prioritize Your Tasks
Maintain and Update Your List Often …
So this whole making a to-do list IS more complicated than it first appears.
I mean, I couldn’t even get Step 1 down without frustration and false starts!
Selecting a method that works for you, in my experience, involves trying a whole bunch that don’t. It’s a process of elimination. Trial and error.
But we can make that process less painful by being aware of the misconceptions that trip us up. They keep us very busy doing the not-so-important things and very frustrated that the thing we REALLY want to get done just keeps getting pushed aside.
The patterns I’ve noticed
I lean on to-do lists more when I'm in transition, when routines are off or unpredictable. When we follow a predictable routine,—which is approximately never in this house!—not much needs to be written down.
I write (and lose) more to-do lists more quickly when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I unwittingly make assumptions about my to-do lists. Most of us do this. Let's call them myths because it sounds cooler.
the misconceptions I’ve believed
Myth #1- If it’s on the to-do list, it’s important.
TO-DO TODAY
Take out the garbage
Feed the cat
Decide whether to continue cancer treatment
All tasks are equal on a to-do list. The list cannot distinguish the mundane from the very big, life altering action. That’s why figuring out what matters needs to come first—before making a to-do list.
What to do instead?
Decide what matters most first. What are the three (or fewer) most important tasks you need to tackle today? All the other stuff comes after or in the pockets of time between these Most Important Tasks.
Write those smaller tasks down, sure. Just be clear that they are smaller tasks, not the main thing.
Author James Clear says we can only handle three major projects in a month. No more. We certainly can’t handle four big projects today.
Myth #2 - If it’s on the to-do list, it has to happen today.
TO-DO TODAY
Take out the garbage
Pick up kids after school
Buy balloons for the birthday party next week
The first two are attached to a timeline. If the garbage isn’t out before the truck shows up at 8:10 am, I’ll be stuck storing a whole lot of extra garbage in my garage for the next two weeks.
School pick up time doesn’t change to suit me. I need to be there when school ends. Period.
The balloons - I could do that after I pick up kids, or tonight, or in a few days’ time. It doesn’t matter when, but I do need to pick a time and put a reminder where I will see it.
Sometimes I put things on the to-do list that really belong on the calendar or need their own alarm in my phone. Photo credit Estée Janssens on Unsplash.
What to do instead?
Decide on a tool or place to keep all your time sensitive appointments. I’m currently using Time Tree. Google calendar, Apple calendar, or a planner with space for appointments will work (IF you will check it frequently through the day).
Input tasks into the calendar, associated with a specific time.
Input an end time - school pick up doesn’t just happen at 3:00 pm. I have to walk to the school and meet them, so it takes a solid 20 minute block of time. If your drive is longer, it could take 45 minutes. That—the time that you are unavailable because you are tending to a task—is what goes in the daytimer or calendar app.
Add notes inside the app or planner. On which field does the next soccer game take place? If warm up is a half hour and the drive is 20 minutes, then I need to go back and change my calendar. The 4 pm start time isn’t what I need to be reminded of. I need to know that I need to be driving by 3:10 pm. I could leave at 2:55 and pick up those birthday balloons on the way, or go get them during the warm up. I would note that in here, too (because, otherwise, I will forget.)
Review to make sure you can do all those tasks at the specified times. Do you need to tell a child they will be waiting a little longer after practice today? Do you need to carpool or ask for help with drives?
Myth #3 More check marks = more progress
Maybe. Maybe not. It’s easy to check off lots of tasks that are just busy work and avoid the more difficult, more important tasks. See #1.
You see, when we think of productivity, we usually think of an industrial kind of productivity—that is where the word comes from, after all. In an industry setting, productivity is about making lots of identical bits as fast and cost-effectively as possible.
The goals in an industrial setting are straight forward. The most productive factories optimize: speed, cost effectiveness, consistent quality, uniformity (all the parts are the same size, shape, appearance, etc.)
But we’re not manufacturing identical parts, we are raising fiercely unique little people. We’re building families and community, not engines and cars. The process and the goals are vastly different.
Let’s take those variables the factory is trying to optimize and think about them in terms of parenting:
Speed - Kids grow up fast yet take a gazillion years to clean their room. Speed is relative. Maturing is impossibly slow until it happens all at once. There is a lot of growth going on below the surface, hard to see, impossible to measure, more like bamboo farming than automotive manufacturing.
Cost effectiveness—um, if this was your primary goal, parenting might not be the best plan.
Consistent quality—like, comparing one child to another? This is dangerous territory. Do not do this. They are all unique. And each child will find unique ways to both delight you and to push your buttons.
Uniformity—yeah, not gonna happen. We’re not going to try to make it happen.
What to do instead?
Decide what matters most before making any to-do list. I know! There are a ridiculous number of things that do matter and a long list of contenders for what could matter most.
You’re not committing to this priority forever. We’re talking about what matters most today. Kendra Adachi, the Lazy Genius, advises asking what matters most in this season? Also, if you are unsure, pay attention to what makes you crazy.
For example, a couple summers ago, my food situation was totally driving me crazy—too much waste, too many last minute trips to the grocery store, too much take out, too much pasta.
—maybe this is a season to invest a little time and thought into learning better ways to manage your food.
I felt like I didn’t have time to sit in front of my computer to listen to another webinar. But if said webinar saved me just an hour of time in the kitchen this week, it would be worth my time. If it saved me an hour the next week and the next, I’d have gained myself an hour of sanity. So, I signed up for Allison Hollinger’s free meal planning course. It was time consuming during that week. I was solo parenting at the time and had to give up my evenings to do it.
For that period of time, getting control of my food management was the priority —the thing that mattered most. And investing that time has helped me not waste so much time in the kitchen for months afterwards.
Myth #4: More check marks makes me a better parent
Maybe even, a better person? And so, fewer check marks means I’m a worse parent.
This is dangerous, faulty thinking. We wouldn’t say it like that exactly. I mean, none of us really believe that… but we kind of act like we do sometimes, don’t we?
When I lose my mind because “I just can’t! Get! Anything! Done!” (Tell me I’m not the only one?) What is behind that? What is going on that I feel so affronted, so offended when I can’t do a bunch of tasks that make me feel useful?
Research confirms that many of us do consider a good day to be one where we make progress. And it follows that little progress makes a bad day.
How we tend to assess our days.
When we spell it out in a chart, it’s easy to see that it’s wrong to tell myself I’m useless just because I didn’t get much done today. I know my value doesn’t lie in the tasks I accomplish. My value is more inherent, deeper than that.
But it’s a hard habit to break. We’ve been training for years to get things done. And we’ve been rewarded when we excel at the doing of the things.
In a culture where time is money, unpaid work is, well, less. Less valued. Less important. Less.
Both of these, again, come from an industry definition of productivity. Your value, as a person is NOT defined by your output or your hourly rate. That valuation works for factories, but not for families.
Parenting is not a process you can optimize. It is not a skill set you can master. Parenting is, first and always, a relationship.
How we’ll make better lists from now on
We still have a lot of tasks that need to be done. But those things do not define our value.
We still need to make to-do lists, but we’ll first decide what is our priority for today. It might be something intangible, like comforting a child who is struggling or getting outside for a hike. (Things that take time but rarely show up on the to-do list.)
We’ll put time sensitive events in the calendar (the one you actually look at!) and set a reminder. We’ll give ourselves time to actually get there and reminders about what we’ll need to take with us (because we can’t actually think when the kids are fighting and we’re in a hurry and it’s 4 pm. * Reminders could go in the notes of your day timer or calendar app or phone alarm. Experiment to see what works best for you.)
We’ll remember that check marks do not define how useful our day is (or how valuable we are!)
We’ll know that good parenting sometimes looks like accomplishing tasks and sometimes it looks like doing very little. Because parenting is relationship first and always.