What makes motherhood so hard? The problem of “ideal parenting”
What we, as parents, really need to know is, “What do I do when I can’t meet your ideal?”
Were they aiming to give advice or a guilt trip?
At a recent wellness workshop, a young dietitian told us—a room full of parents of primary school children—”Good nutrition means half the dinner plate is vegetables.”
The silent retorts were written all over the parents' discouraged faces.
"Tell us something we don't know."
"That's adorable! Clearly, you don't have children yet."
"Tell us what to do when our kids won't eat half a plate full of salad. What do we do when we can't meet your ideal?"
I know the aim was to help us and our children eat more healthy foods. But I didn’t feel helped. I felt guilted. And I’m pretty sure I was not the only one.
“Tell us what to do when our kids won't eat half a plate full of salad. What do we do when we can't meet your ideal?"
Photo credit: Ella Olsen on Unsplash
Everyone seems to know - Who is worth listening to?
There is A LOT of advice out there. And, I for one, have been sucked in. Oh! THAT'S the thing I need to do differently. If I just do what SHE says,
bedtime will be quick and quiet
my child will eat his veggies (and not whine, quit the interrupting habit, and never again make me wince in front of guests at the dinner table)
so many people will start reading my blog that publishers will be pounding down the door
Yeah, so none of that has happened.
I read two things this week that helped me articulate WHY.
Problem #1: The best option is presented as the only option.
Key #1: Second Bests.
Emily Oster of Parent Data points out what we instinctively already know. So much parenting advice presents the BEST option as the ONLY option.
This is where second bests come in.
Emily goes a little more theoretical, but the crux is
When the best option is presented as the only option, we're left feeling like anything else is bad parenting.
Oster says it's far more helpful to rank the other options and to define good second best options. And she backs that up with actual statistics about relative risk.
“[For] literally every “rule” you could come up with, there are outliers that have very good reasons why they don’t follow that rule.”
The trouble with ideal or nothing
The best option is for baby to be on her back, in her own crib, without blankets or stuffies. But when the baby will not sleep this way, what to do?
At some point, the risk of drunk-tired Mom burning the house down or letting her vehicle roll down the driveway with her children strapped inside far outweighs the risk of SIDS.
Photo credit David Veksler on Unsplash
Yes, the vehicle thing happened. I was jet lagged. My toddler thought 2 am was morning. I'd been driving an automatic for over a year and this was a standard vehicle and I left it in neutral. Briefly. I turned around and, well, when my confused brain finally registered that the car was not where I left it, I located it across our quiet street, back tires on my neighbour’s lawn.
In short, I was tired enough to fail the walk-a-straight-line test had a police officer pulled me over. I should not have been caring for small humans that day. They were fine, but my four year old kept asking afterwards, "Mommy? I didn't like that Mommy. Why did you do that, Mommy?"!! Mortified doesn’t begin to describe it.
Defining second best - example: Co-sleeping
The ideal of NEVER co-sleeping may simply not be an option. But that doesn't mean
all co-sleeping options = bad parenting
Co-sleeping may be a legit second best alternative for some families.
And, if that second best option is chosen, Oster cites the data to show some co-sleeping situations are vastly less unsafe than others. Distinguishing those is valuable. For example,
co-sleeping is much lower risk when the parent hasn't been smoking or drinking,
co-sleeping on a bed is much safer than on a sofa
removing blankets is much safer than sleeping with lots of puffy covers.
That information is left out of the discussion when it's presented as best or nothing. Oster goes into this in more detail here.
“Second bests exist. You are not stuck choosing between ideal parenting and bad parenting... save yourself the shame and drama and know that you are qualified to choose a good second best for your family.”
Defining second best - Example: Eating your Veggies
Half a plate full of vegetables at every meal is ideal (and often, unrealistic). I opt for trying to get some veggies into my kids before supper—either in an after-school smoothie or raw veggies with hummus or ranch dip while dinner is cooking. Then, it's okay if supper is a little carb heavy. It’s far less frustrating than throwing out a half plate of salad. And less exhausting than an hours long stand-off. It's a decent second best.
Problem #2: Everyone advises what worked for them.
Key #2: Look for alignment.
“Like a lot of learning processes, it will be much more successful if your brain happens to work like the person who’s teaching the class.”
This quote is talking to writers about book advertising, but it applies equally to parenting courses, goal setting, menu planning, bedtime routines, or exercise programs, etc. Basically, all the things that frustrate us and that we might seek advice about.
Everyone—from the gurus to the moms at playgroup—recommend what worked for them. Same for most courses, training programs and books. This can't entirely be avoided. It's just good to know.
*One notable exception is the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, M.D. It is a long and clinical read. The book is organized to help exhausted parents find the most pertinent information quickly, but it is still a much heavier read than a blog post that says, “Just do what I do.”
Anytime a book or blog or coach teaches principles and skills instead of detailed methods, you are more likely to be able to adapt those to your own situation. Look for principles not prescriptions.
Likewise, individual coaching should be able to mitigate this effect—the do-what-works-for-me type of advice, but it will take time and money for a coach to know you well enough to do that customization.
What worked well for them may not be the best option for you, for any number of reasons. It's not even that their advice is wrong, it just may not align with your learning style, desired outcome, current season of life—mental, emotional, logistical capacity.
“What worked for them may not work for you. Look for alignment with your season of life, priorities, parenting and learning style... keep the parts that work for you and dismiss the rest, guilt free. It doesn’t mean you failed their course.”
What to do? Becca Symes emphasizes alignment. Now, she is still talking to authors, but think of the one thing you have recently been trying to improve. The menu planning guide you considered buying last week or the Facebook Group that suggests your bedtime routine should look a certain way. Let’s apply alignment to that.
Figuring out what alignment looks like in real life
Finding alignment requires that you do some independent pre-work before trying the menu plan or the new bedtime routine. First, you’ll need to clarify and articulate (for yourself),
your priorities - Is it most important that this child get sleep trained in this season or does getting to the other kids’ soccer games in the evenings trump a regular bedtime routine right now?
your desired outcome - Do you want a sit down dinner every night or do you just want to ensure your family gets some good nutrition into them?
your learning style and personality - Some people thrive on a very predictable, rote routine. (And this is great for young children, though the youngest in a big family does not have that luxury.) There is no way I am going to stick to a predictable 7 step bedtime routine. I do have one pretty consistent cue—a cup of chamomile tea leading up to bedtime. Otherwise, my late night activities vary greatly. Picking up kids might be done at 6 pm or11 pm. Certain nights, I’m on a Zoom call late. Other nights involve reading, watching Netflix, going for a walk, etc.
Iterate, iterate, iterate.
What works for you will change with your seasons of life. And that means you will need to iterate over and over again.
As Syme points out, "When you find a person who understands your brain, it's gold." Also, when their approach aligns with your capacity, your desired outcomes, your style, and your current priorities.
Answer this now
Have you ever tried really hard to implement advice, only to end up frustrated and feeling like a failure? I know I've tried a bunch of morning routines with my success ranging from mediocre to dismal.
You were drawn to something about that advice—what was it? I thought if I nailed a good morning routine, that would set the tone for the day.
What happened? What went well and what didn’t? Usually it just frustrated me because when I woke extra early for alone time, e.g. to write, a little person would hear me and get out of bed extra early, excited for one-on-one mommy time.
Can you now see where there was a misalignment? Planning some alone time and having that to look forward to motivated me far more than a few minutes in the morning.
Hit reply and tell me about it!
NOW WHAT? Filter faster.
You are taking in advice all the time—from Instagram to library books to conversations with other moms, friends, relatives, and even well-meaning strangers.
I want you to remember two things.
Second bests exists. You are not stuck choosing between ideal parenting and bad parenting.
So, when the ideals are pushed on you, save yourself the shame and drama and know that you are qualified to choose a good second best for your family. (And if you need more info to help you choose a second best, drop me a note. I'll help you find it! Emily Oster's Parent Data is one good place to start.)
What worked for them may not work for you. Look for alignment with your season of life, priorities, desired outcome, parenting and learning style. You can keep the parts that work for you and dismiss the rest, guilt free. It doesn't mean you failed their course or aren’t as good a mom as they are.